It has been quite a long year and a half since I have written a well-meaning blog post. I left off with a list of Life Resolutions for 2018 to beyond. Well, it is 2019 and I can safely say that I did not upkeep any of those. Have I tried, sure. Did I forget they existed after awhile? Honestly.. yup. I always knew they were there but I definitely forgot what they were.
Throughout this past year and a half, I’ve laughed hard, lost hard, and been through more than I bargained for, especially being overseas. Many of our friends have left Japan, leaving holes in our hearts (and weekends). I think my house has become mostly memories of the times that have passed. Like the time Jen and I dressed up as Blades of Glory for Halloween or the time Tabby and I talked for hours on my balcony, ending with me falling asleep with a block of cheese next to me.
But of all the things that have happened since I last wrote, I think the biggest change that has come my way is actually dealing with my past. Or at least starting the process of dealing with it. With lots of friends and not much time to just be alone, I have always shoved everything down and told myself that I would just deal with it later. Apparently, later is now. Now that life has slowed down a bit there is lots of time to think about it.
If I told you everything that happened in my life you’d be reading until dawn. It by far isn’t the worst story I’ve heard, but it isn’t best. One thing I have learned is talking to someone about your life can help to lift the endless stress of carrying around the baggage. If anything, to have an ear to talk to, so you don’t end up yelling at the cat or exploding in the car when people don’t drive as well as you do. I realize it’s easy to say we should talk to people about what’s going on, it took me 15 years to be able to talk. That’s how long it took for me to realize I seriously needed to get this stuff out and deal with the skeletons in my closet. I felt as though I have been running from everything my whole life.
I have known for a while that depression and anxiety are some of the post-trauma things that I have been dealing with internally. What I didn’t know was how to deal with something I was too proud to admit I had. I always thought if I ignored it and pretended life was fine then life was exactly that.. fine. I’m sure I am not the first person to feel that way. I have reached the point in my life where I can no longer push through these things. Like they say, the first step to recovery is admitting that there is indeed a problem!
To all the people who are like me, who have been prideful, lost, surrounded by addiction, death. You are not alone. There is always somebody willing to listen to you if you are wanting to talk. If you are just not there yet, something that has helped me are finding my outs, whether it is writing, running, or just playing video games. BUT the number one thing for helping me get over my internal obstacles is: Rid yourself of negativity (especially people on social media).
This post, like life, has the light at the end of the tunnel. (Even if it seems like it’s a very long tunnel.) This blog started as a fun way for our friends and family to keep up with our adventures through Japan and in life. However, I think it was a way for me to make my life seem more perfect than it actually is (Yes, Andrew you were right). Instead of using writing as an out I used it like most people (myself included) use Instagram.
Now, coming to the sharp realization that my life is in fact not perfect, I come out with one goal from this post. If I can help one person through their struggles, make one person laugh or see the bright side of life (even though sometimes I am trying to find it too), then I feel like I am completing my life goals. There has been a lot that’s happened in this house over the past year and a half, but I think that the most promising thing is the new memories we are going to make in our last year here in Japan. And all of our future years in America or Europe or wherever we decide to go once the military life is behind us. (spoilers…)
For now, we wait. More stories, how-to’s (even though I haven’t made anything yetttt), and adventures to come!
xoxo, The Lintag’s